Challenge

I know I didn’t do much since you left. I know I could have done much more. Sometimes I blame it on myself or my condition but I am unsure if I can change anything. I still live with a lot of uncertainty. I don’t know where I am going. Those around me live their life and it’s fine the way it is but I guess that I need something else because I do not envy them at all. I don’t know what I am searching for. Maybe I just need a good kick in the ass, heh.

I think I am slowly getting out of this, but it’s hard. I’m fighting myself constantly. I must keep positive, I guess. I lack those moments where nothing was important but the most basic of things. Sometimes I feel pressure and I don’t like it. I don’t feel like we’re made for this kind of life. I feel like this kind of life has been the cause for what has happened to me.

I think this year is the year when everything will develop. Good or bad, I don’t know, but something is going to happen. I wish you were still there. I miss your presence. I still remember those days. Thanks for everything.

- X

The Hitchhiker

Dear A,

I’ve been writing emails to plenty of people now and since I am currently on an email writing frenzy and that I cannot control myself anymore because of my apparent OCD… I’ve never actually asked my doctor if it was OCD but sometimes I go crazy on simple things like this ( and actually I like it because i always feel fulfilled once I’m done… 3 hours later ).

You kinda gave me an idea. I don’t know if I told you about this but I am seriously considering hitchhiking Canada. I would start from here in the province of Quebec, then I would go to Ontario, Manitoba, Saskatchewan and Alberta and then I would come back. If I have more time on my hands and everything is right I also consider checking out Yukon. I started planning stuff. I began thinking about what I should bring and what I shouldn’t bring and what kind of craziness might happen. In between this I began to realize that I needed something to attract drivers in order to be picked up easier and faster so I don’t stand like a wounded dog under the rain for five hours. I almost immediately thought that I should bring my guitar ( and that means I have to re-learn how to play it ) but then I thought that it would be too big so I thought of the ukulele you kept mentioning and now I am considering buying a cheap ukulele!!! Wouldn’t that be the coolest thing!?!? I mean I would be known as the legendary ukulele wanderer!!! I would make the news like ” Have you seen the Uke Traveller?! ” and ” The Ukulele Wanderer strikes again! “. Ok, ok, I’m dreaming here… But I do think about bringing a ukulele with me.

So yeah I’ve started planning this thing. I subscribed to a hitchhiking forum where experienced people will probably be able to give me some advice. I plan on doing this in two years from now on june 2011. I will try not to spend money during this trip and I expect to spend most of the summer travelling this way. I still have to tell my family about it and I am pretty sure everybody’s going to freak out so I have to choose the right moment or unless they will believe I am in some sort of state of distress or something… Frankly I have no idea how I will present this idea, most especially to my mom, because I’ve been there forever for her and she has been there for me as well.

I see this as a personal journey rather than a travelling experience. I will write my daily experiences in a journal that I will bring with me. I will also bring my Canon camera that is neither too expensive neither too crappy so I will bring some great pictures ( I think ). I’ve started thinking about some “tricks” like putting two 200$ in two plastic bags and hide them in my two shoes for desperate measures. I also plan on bringing my cd player and some amazing cds like Sigur Ros!!! I will try not to go in hotels and rent rooms and I will try to camp as much as possible and for this I expect to deal with cops and thugs so I will bring my best smiles with me for the cops and my little handy knife for the thugs…

I think what’s triggered me to think about this seriously is Jack Kerouac’s book titled ” On the Road ” which is all about hitchhiking. The guy in the story is pretty messed up and I am different ( I think ) when compared to him, but I still need that freedom I can’t seem to find in here. Plus, this Jack Kerouac guy, well, the “hero” in the book, is him and it’s mostly an auto-biographical novel. I don’t know if I told you about this, but I have always had some sort of love for the 50s and when I found the Beat Generation writers like Kerouac I immediately associated myself to them and Jack Kerouac seems to have some sort of link with me. He was french canadian too! I don’t know what the hell is going on between him and I.

I’m pretty sure that what I am searching for won’t be found during this trip but I have been sick enough in the recent years to see people around me are living in a daily routine and I don’t want to live that. I’ve spent some time in hospital beds and when I would talk with other sick people the topics were really different. We would talk about simple things. Things you don’t think of when you aren’t sick. I remember I spoke to an old man while we were eating that horrible hospital food and we were wondering what we would eat and drink when we would get out. I remember I wanted a good bloody steak with mashed potatoes and some green broad beans. It was enough to make me feel happy and I wanted to get out of there just to eat that. Nowadays I’ve begun to fall back into routine and I almost forgot about that desire I had back in the hospital and I don’t want to forget about that and that’s why I want to leave this place with a feeling of uncertainty so I can enjoy everything I see, taste and touch. It’s like in my favorite book, “The Little Prince”, when he goes to the well in the middle of the desert and he drinks water with the aviator. The water would be ordinary to other people who drank water everyday, but to the aviator, it was the product of their desire to get water, the fact that they walked so long and the fact that they had to use the pulley in order to ultimately get it! That’s why it tasted so good to him and to the little prince.

The fact is that I am doing this knowing that I will probably find adversity. It’s not like I am going there with an improvised bag using a red cloth with white spots on it, all of it attached to a wooden stick like in the cartoons. I know I’ll probably be unable to sleep during some nights. I might get robbed or beaten or whatever. I’ll try to avoid this as much as possible, but I still have to hitchhike the way I want to or else it won’t be hitchhiking anymore. Still, I have to train my body for this because I’m pretty sure I’ll be dead tired most of the time so I have to be in the best shape possible.

That’s why I’m going to walk practically everyday from now on. I’ve already been walking pretty often but it was only for entertainment purpose or to go out with friends. I don’t have a car and when I have to buy stuff or whatever I just WALK to the store and bring back the goods home. I still don’t get the car thing and I don’t understand why so many people have cars. I don’t know if I missed something here. So, yeah, from now on I’ll walk a lot. Next summer I’m planning on walking from home right to the camp ( which means about 250 kilometers… and seriously I won’t do the math to explain how long that is in miles because you americans need to use the metric system ). I will bring the usual stuff I bring when I go there ( clothes and books and some cds and other things ). It should give me a preview of a hitchhiking experience without drivers picking me up ( which should be the hardest days ).

So, yeah, I’m going to write a book on this. I don’t expect it to be published by anyone but I’ll try to if I feel like the material is somewhat worth it. I’ve never studied literature ( so my curriculum vitae in that department would be pretty short ) but I think I’m pretty good ( in french, at least ) and I know a couple of authors in the area who might be able to help me.

I’ve recently met very old friends who were in classmates in primary school and high school. When I was really sick I lost sight of them and back then I thought that they were really ahead of me in studies and jobs. I mean, they are. Some of them are going to be doctors and pharmacists, others already have great jobs and live a steady life. But somehow I feel like I have something more inside my head that they don’t have. They don’t question society like I do and they don’t see the things I see. They don’t know how to write either ( I found that out on Facebook ). I think that all these years of illness I’ve spent reading and listening and watching others is finally paying off. I feel like I am stronger inside. I also am sad to see that these young minds who sometimes were breaking laws and questioning so many things in life ended up as ordinary human beings with very little imagination, ideas and hopes. Of course they still have these things but it’s hidden deep inside now and it will only bloom when it will be too late.

I can’t believe I wrote so much stuff! I don’t even know how much time I spent on this email! Ok, I have to stop myself now. I guess I had to tell someone about this and since I’m too chicken shit to tell my hitchhiking plans to the people who live next to me and I wanted to tell them to someone like you who can’t really judge me or anything. I guess this is the good side of internet? I don’t know, really. This place is both full and empty at the same time. It’s confusing.

Thanks for reading my “dreamer’s melodrama”,

X