Nightly Walk #2

I chose to walk very late tonight. I wanted to be alone. This time, the lamp post chose to light up as I went underneath it. A woman had problems keeping her dog from barking. I think the dog was barking towards me, but I couldn’t see it clearly in the darkness. A very bright star and some feeble clouds were the only things I could see through this mess. People were arguing in a bar. I saw a very small truck of Japanese origin which seemed so insignificant compared to the huge vehicles we have here. I liked that truck a lot. An old abandoned terrain has now been sold and a small group of businessmen have started to announce themselves. I think I saw an old friend working at the video store. I went walking by an old graveyard and the leaves all around made it even more beautiful that it usually is. The few cars who would use the nearby street were briefly lighting up the closest graves. Many people who died during World War 2 were now there. White graves everywhere. All of them, so similar, so thin, so small, so sad. I thought about making some photography next weekend. I thought of my brother who is growing up as a teenager now. I thought about having a girlfriend. I think I am ready to fall in love.

The abandonned city

It’s an abandonned city now. It wasn’t like that not so long ago. It had its charm back then. Children would play in the park. Neighbors would say hi to each other before going to work. People would shake hands and talk about the weather. People would create. People would share. People would give.

It’s an abandonned city now. Shadows took over. They roam and lurk from one street to another. Everyday it’s the same. They don’t bother to talk, no one would hear. Many of them go underneath the Earth because the sun became their enemy. They are always alone, even if they are numerous. These shadows cannot see each other. They flow from one room to another, executing a tired routine.

It’s an abandonned city now. Metal and concrete took over. Everywhere, there is a strong buzzing noise. Everywhere, there is smoke coming out of the ground. Sometimes the polluted water spills out of the sewers. Earth’s puke. The trees are dry and dark. A constant layer of grey surrounds the place.

It’s an abandonned city now. Fear and death took over. The only place where there is life and security, is when they dream. When they dream, they become lights again and they shine everywhere they go. Hope, love and peace surrounds them. But they always wake up. They always wake up.

Unison

And through this we shall reap and sow at the speed of light. We shall kiss and grow at the speed of light and through this we will clench our fists and face it all up front. We will sell our souls and buy the Gods and through this I thought it was the end, I though it was over. Not anymore, not anymore. Used to be something, used to be someone. I became many and we are now one.

Limits

It was garbage day. She went out and put the two containers, one for recycling, the other one for trash, at the edge of the sidewalk. It was early in the morning.

In the afternoon, an old man came in the neighborhood and started looking in the recycling containers. She noticed it. She didn’t know what to do. She looked at the old homeless man with a strong feeling of uncertainty. He would collect various things, but mostly the empty cans she left in there. He would put them in a bag. He was very cautious not to damage anything. She then felt compassion and pity. She had more empty cans in the house. She was asking herself she should go out and give them to him. She stayed like that, watching through the window, hiding through the curtains. Hiding and ashamed because she didn’t know what to do.

The old man would often look around him. He feared residents would see him. He found an old broken umbrella and managed to repair it. He took everything he needed. He carefully replaced everything in the container and closed it before leaving. She wanted to help, but she was afraid. She wanted to be afraid of him, but she knew he was defenseless. She didn’t want to admit it. In truth, she was afraid someone would see  her. Afraid of what the others would think. Afraid of breaking these limits.

She went to have a shower. She was hoping he wouldn’t come back. She didn’t want to face this dilemma again. Her thoughts then came back to her job. She had to be at the department store in 30 minutes. Her car needed some gas. She had to shop for groceries.

Memories

Some guy nicknamed Joe Malone. Rita Hayworth. The desire to smell like cigarettes and smoke them. A snack bar, all white, red and brown. A woman behind the counter who would constantly reject my proposals ( and the proposals of the other guys ) by making me laugh with her tact and impeccable sense of humor. A post office worker who would always be drunk and disorderly. The love for vinyl disks. Richie Valens and Buddy Holly. A shoe factory. Machines and motors. Pride in the American flag. Bubble gum. Baseball. Julie Andrews. Ice cream. Arkansas and Ohio. A german shepherd. Taking good care of cows. Oil lamps. Blonde women. Fights with jealous people. An old wooden enclosure. The hate towards plastic objects. The desire to drink whiskey. Having a son. Losing a huge sum of money. Coca Cola bottles made out of glass. Typewriters. Louis Armstrong, Johnny Cash and Jerry Lee Lewis. Hanging out in outdoor cinemas. Collecting marbles. Respecting my elders. Doubt towards progress. Peanuts, pop-corn and cotton candy. “Beat Generation” writers. Fishing. Wooden surfaces. Pastel colors.

 

This all comes out of nowhere in my life, both through dreams and in my waking hours, with a strong feeling of nostalgia.

Like foreign photographs in my private album.

Yet, I feel this is part of me. I feel I was part of this.

Nightly Walk #1

The weather is getting colder as the summer is truly going away. A fresh scent of renewal is now in the air. As I passed underneath a lamp post, the light flickered and went off. I always see this, for some odd reason, as a good omen. At the street corner, two cars didn’t know who should go first. They seemed so uptight and nervous. I don’t understand it anymore. I went to the center of the city, where most lights are, where life is flowing. People would still be doing the same things. Most of them wouldn’t talk, they would simply do what they usually do. Two men were adding gas to their respective cars. I encountered two very quick walking men who were looking on the ground. Both of them seemed to be in a hurry. I decided to go to one of my friend’s house but he wasn’t there. I went in an empty street and walked in the middle of it. I sometimes looked back and walked backwards. I was the king of that street. I was alive. I was changing and I was finally realizing it. I smiled and went back home with a strong feeling of self awareness and optimism. I encoutered a woman walking her dog. I smiled as my eyes went travelling from the tiny dog to her beautiful face. That night, everything was beautiful. She smiled back.

” Good evening! “

I said it in such a spontaneous manner that I surprised myself.

” Good evening to you too! “

And we went on separate ways.

So simple. This is the power I have now. We all have it, but this world made us forget about it. I remember it now.

Dream #9 – Prison break

I was travelling with my family. We stopped in a small hotel and as I was unloading the car of its packages, bags and suitcases, I discovered that there was a forest behind the building. I chose to go inside it, for there was a very clean path piercing through the woods.

I found an old cottage. Most of it was undone, broken, rusty and old. I went inside and immediately saw tap water. I was very thirsty and I drank it with my bare mouth. I felt fulfilled, but then I saw a yellow and red sign saying that the water was poisoned. I went back to my family, feeling sicker with each footsteps. Temperature appeared to be raising. I collapsed and lost consciousness.

I woke up in a prison jail. There were 3 other inmates. It appears we were all captured in the same way by drinking poisonous water. They all told me they had committed a crime and I told them that I was innocent. They were shocked to learn my story and they tried to help me. They said they were the product of this world and that they would have revenge on it. As a prison guard came in, we all rushed towards the exit and knocked him down. We went to the armory and we took various weapons. An alarm went off. Tens of armed guards came and a very intense battle began. We managed to kill many of them, but when I looked back at my friends, they were all dead.

So annoying

You noticed me at school. You started writing messages in my school agenda. I didn’t like it. You were disturbing me as I was taking some notes. In between two hours of class, you would come to me. You kept talking and talking and I wouldn’t listen. You kept accompanying me as school was over. I wanted to be alone. When you would not be near me, you would be with your friends, laughing and talking, looking at me. Secrets. Secrets about me, probably. I didn’t like it at all. You were so annoying.

You called me at home. I never found how you got my number, and that made me angry. You kept on calling and calling. You never gave up. I ended up saying harsh things about you but you would turn them into jokes and come back again. I started smiling. You were so annoying.

I would always try and be fast enough not to be followed, but you kept on following me. Persistence. I began to tolerate your presence. I would listen and reply. I would come up with stuff. We would talk often on my way home. When I would arrive at destination, you wouldn’t even say goodbye. It wasn’t necessary, you knew you would come back. You would go back home. You didn’t even stay nearby.

At some point you wouldn’t walk with me anymore. I would stay at school, trying to find you. I couldn’t see you anymore. You were in class, but now you didn’t write anything in my agenda. You didn’t talk to me. You talked to another guy now. He wasn’t better than me. I was stronger and faster in sports. I was better at school. I had more friends than he ever had. But he appreciated your company and he loved you. I loved you too, but I just didn’t want to admit it. After all, you were so annoying.

At the harbour

He met her about three years ago. Some people you meet, they seem so exciting. The first time they met, they talked for hours and hours. One thing comes after the other at the speed of light. You can’t think straight, you talk about everything. Childhood, work, music, love life. In under six hours, they knew more about each other than some of their best friends. When they left each other at night, they didn’t dare to say anything else than “goodbye”, even though they felt like something more could have been said.

It’s hard to know if this kind of discovery is related to love at first. Once you leave that certain person, you can’t wait for the next time you meet and talk again. As he was alone, he thought about their long, uplifting and memorable conversation. He tried to see more through what she actually said. He thought about the next time they would meet near the harbour and what he would wear, what he would talk about. He tried to find the best topics in order to unravel her personality. He tried to find the best topics to see if she, too, was feeling this same way. It’s funny. He didn’t even know how he felt.

They met again and again at the harbour. After talking about everything they could talk about, silence brought the two of them into thinking that, maybe, just maybe, they were in love. He was looking at her hands, hoping that she would let one of them go his way so he could hold it. She didn’t. She was looking at his eyes, hoping that he would look back at her. He didn’t. They said goodbye as usual and left each other without admitting that something was blooming at the center of their chest. As they went on separate ways, whatever was blooming seemed to be stuck in their throat, and nothing they could drink would make it go away. They slept quietly in their bed, occupying half of it, thinking about what could have been.

Both of them came back the next day. The conversation seemed bitter. It wasn’t the same anymore. He said something harsh, she replied in a harsher way. They never met again for 3 years.

Until now.

Remorse is sometimes love’s best friend.

See through it

Morning

 

Three children in the park are laughing near the three blue, green and red swing sets. A man is raking leaves in front of his house while another is working on his car’s motor. His garage door is open. A thin smoke is coming out of his backyard and a smell of burning leaves crosses the street. I can hear the distinct sound of a school bus. The sky is pale and the sun is refreshing and warm as I sit down. A teenage couple is silently walking on the sidewalk. They are holding hands. A dog is howling because his master left home for work. Another dog barks back at it. The wind shortly rises up, buries the other sounds for a moment, and leaves fall from the trees in a swirling dance. Those that were already on the ground lift up in the air and come back down.

The park bench I am sitting on needs a new coat of paint. A cat living nearby comes underneath it and rubs its sides on my leg but is startled by a passing car and runs away. The grass underneath the trees is still frozen by the night’s cold temperature. A black squirrel is chasing a rival without making any sounds.

 

Afternoon

 

The cat is on my lap now. I saw him coming in and out of an old woman’s house. A mother is carrying her baby in a dark colored stroller. An old man is riding a bicycle that has some groceries in its front basket. The sound of an ambulance siren comes from the distance, nearer, nearer and then goes away. Men are laughing and talking at the door of a restaurant. The sky is cloudier and the sun makes brief appearances through them. I can now hear children coming out of the school.

 

Evening

 

The cat went inside, back home. Echoing, ghostly sounds of cars on the highway are now reaching the city. The sky is red, pink, purple, blue, all at the same time. Footsteps of a man walking by quickly. People who bought fireworks early in the summer are lighting up the remaining ones they have left. The church bell is rang for the last time today.

 

There is beauty in this world.

You still make me laugh

You still make me laugh. You still make me want to outdo myself. You still make me cherish what you cherish. I want to please you. I want you to be happy, seeing that I am.

I remember when we were at the park the other day. You wore additional clothes because you felt so cold and we hugged often so we could keep warm. You were laughing and you made me laugh. You still do. There were crows, the cries of a faraway train at the edge of the town and the wind moving the dead leaves around, spreading this typical, yet refreshing smell. Squirrels would come near our feet. We kissed.

I need you all the time. I need you now. I cannot explain it. I remember, when I was a kid, at the edge of the ocean. I was sitting down and the waves would come and come again, rushing to my body. Their strength penetrated my chest. This is how I still feel about you.

I remember when we first kissed. It was early November and it was snowing for the very first time. The snowflakes were large and they were falling very slowly. Everything felt like it was in slow motion. It lasted forever. The few spotlights would make the snowflakes shine. Sometimes a swift breeze would make them swerve. Your hair was full of it and somehow I had the idea to tell you that it needed to get rid of all that snow. It was a lie. My hand slowly descended from your hair and when to your cheek. Silence. We kissed as snow would turn us to white. Purity. Slow motion. Eternity.

I want you near me. I need your presence. I need your smell. I want to be with you. I want to hold you. I need you to tell me what I did right and what I did wrong so far. I still need you to change me. I want to change for you.

I remember when we had our first fight. We were mad with anger. I went outside and walked for miles in the mud and came back under the rain in that cold night of May. I was stinking like a wounded dog so I went for a shower and left the house. We didn’t see each other for over a week and then, out of nowhere, came this will. You came to me and I came to you. We made love.

I want you to remain. I want to lay my head on your naked chest. I want to hear your heart beating.

I remember when you seemed to be sleeping that day. The sun’s rays were caressing your golden hair. You were beautiful. The smell of nearby lilacs flew into the room. Birds were singing. Our cat was sleeping at the edge of the bed. I swear, you were gone, but you were still alive. I felt your strength in my heart. I heard your laugher. You still make me laugh. You still do.

Dream #8 – Battles

The patient recalls leaving home and encountering three tall men on the streets. The men started harassing him verbally, and then they engaged in a fight. The patient was outnumbered and, although he put up quite a fight, was slowly losing the battle. As he was losing the fight, he remembered that he was dreaming and unlocked a lucid state of dreaming. He concentrated on himself and his energy and through a scream of anger, he became very strong. His muscles grew in size and a bright, red fire surrounded him. He then managed to destroy his enemies in a single blow. The patient then recalls wandering through this dream in search for a peaceful and quiet place, but he woke up soon afterwards.

 

 
The patient, however, went back to sleep and had another dream which resembles a nightmare. He remembers being some sort of ghost hunter. He was in a haunted house and suddenly a ghost appeared through the wall and fought him. The patient remembers falling in some sort of ghost world as physical contact was made and he managed to kill the ghost by drowning him in a lake. The patient then remembers finding himself in his hometown, walking on the streets. He recalls meeting a group of boys and one of them accidentally hit him will he was passing. The young boy argued that the patient should have moved out of the way. The patient said ” I was there first, you had to move. “. The young boy explained that his candies, that had now fallen on the ground, couldn’t be eaten anymore and the patient decided to buy him new candy to close the argument. The patient, however, had no money in his pockets. A strong feeling of helplessness came to birth within the patient who subsequently woke up soon afterwards.

We can walk

We can walk.

 

We can talk and listen.

We can understand things only we can understand.

We can experience feelings: love, hate, fear, passiveness.

We can dream and have nightmares.

We can create objects. We can create images and make them move. We can make sounds and through sounds we can make music.

We can build vast monuments.

We can plant trees and we can breed animals.

We can swim. We can dance. We can jump. We can run.

We can construct thinking machines.

We can shape the Earth.

We can breathe.

We can go beneath the ocean.

We can fly.

We can travel through space.

 

We can walk.

Thoughts on Divinities

 These are thoughts on gods and deities from various patients. Depending on their beliefs, the descriptions given are both different and alike.

 

” I believe in a God that is beyond good and evil. I believe in a God who is neither black or white. I believe in a God that is grey. My God is the balance of the world. He holds one side with one hand while the other side is held by another hand. Yet, he is both within himself. He created centers for the balances of life in order to retain order: The Sun holds all the system’s planets within its grasp. The Water holds the fishes. The Air holds the birds. The Earth holds us. If the center of balance is diminished, the balance is lost and therefore the elements within the balance are bound to fall. This is why we must not diminish the Water’s power from the fish, or else there will be no fish to feed our children. We must not diminish the Air’s power or else the flies will be no more and the birds will die. We must not diminish the Earth or else its entrails will open up and devour us. Today, we use the Water for our own good, not thinking about the future. The Air is being corrupted by pollution. The Earth is being cut open by explosives, its forests destroyed and its lands covered with roads. Today I think of these things and my heart is beating very fast for I fear we are about to break the balance of life. We are trying to escape Earth by flying away in rocket ships but what we should escape from should be ourselves and the way that we are currently living, not the Earth. ”

 

” To me, my god is not all powerful. He is but a man, or a woman. He is a child or an elderly. He is a human being or an animal, or even an insect. He is lifeless, yet full of life. My god is not eternal, because he has never been born and thus death is impossible to him. Sometimes I see my god through the sun’s rays when I swim underneath the water’s surface. I also see him when the wind blows on grasslands. I can see my god when my wife smiles or when my children laugh. My god is seen in all that is beautiful. “

Poverty

In all continents, countries, states and provinces, cities, towns and villages, there are different classes of people. Some families are extremely wealthy, while others are barely able to find food. It appears to many that money is to blame, but the problem was already there before the concept of money was invented by mankind. Some men would have numerous horses or sheep, while the neighbors had just enough livestock to survive. Even when mankind discovered the attributes of fire, it is easy to speculate that some tribes had more food than the others. With this being said, it now seems obvious that money is wrongfully accused.

But what creates poverty? If the question could be answered, it is very possible that poverty would cease to exist at this instance. Some believe that it is caused by the growing human population on Earth. Some speculate that it could be caused by the fact that humans congregate in groups in order to survive and that some are left behind in the process. Some even say that it is a necessary evil, that it is needed for humans to develop a better consciousness, an awareness of themselves. One thing is for certain, poverty is limited to human beings. Animals who suffer from a lack of ressources are never considered to be poor in the same way humans do. It is a notion created by the human mind.

When a person is poor, it will often think differently and have thoughts that never crosses the mind of a rich person. A poor person chooses its priorities differently from a rich one. A poor person could search for a hard working friend while the rich one searches for a popular one. You will often notice that rich people rarely laugh and smile in the same way poor people do. They also cry for different reasons as well.

Like thunder in your chest

When the trees swing under heavy wind.

When I jump into the water.

When he hit that homer.

When I start my car’s engine.

When a lion roars.

When you let go a spontaneous laugh.

When we kiss in silence.

When we make love.

When we argue.

When the moon reflects on the pool.

When a wolf chases a deer.

When I climb the top of a mountain and look back.

When I see an athlete beating a world record.

When someone is in a fight.

When a fire tears an old building down.

When the school bell rings and all the kids rush to the exit.

When thousands of people reunite and sing the same song in a concert in unison.

When you bathe in the river.

When I hear a strong, charismatic voice.

When I feel love, joy, fear and pain.

When her child walks for the first time.

When you believe in something.

When you feel something.

Like thunder in your chest.

Wisdom

To some, being wise signifies being serious. To others, the wise person is the one who thinks before acting. Many believe that wisdom is but a form of knowledge. The common conception of a wise person is mostly associated with old people. The logic behind this is that old people lived longer, therefore they have learned more than the younger people and this experience leads them to analyse situations differently. However, there are exceptions. Some old people can be stubborn and act in an intolerable manner, while children can act very wisely even with their young age. This leads some people to believe that wisdom, contrary to knowledge, can be attributed to genetic inheritance or, for some religions, to other existences spent on the Earth through past generations. What is often said is that a wise person is a kind one, while an unwise one is not. Perhaps is wisdom linked to the soul?

 

” The patient would often refer to an old man in his town who was the center of attraction back when he was young. The old man was skilled at story telling and even made a living out of it. During his later years he would stay at home, sitting on an almost undone wooden chair, and people would come to him for advice on how to live a better life. The patient went to see him. He was nearly 18 years old and he was considering leaving the town for studies. After talking about the whys and hows, the old man delivered some tips on living a fulfilled life. ” Live every single day as if it was the last. Be who you want to be. Once you are married, give your wife weekly gifts until the day you die. Never forget or underestimate things that are important to her. Cherish your children. Show them how to live in the right way but, most importantly, how to live in a wrong way so they can know when they step away from the good path. “. When the discussion was over, the patient left, but looked back at the old man. ” How did you come to be so wise? “. The old man replied ” I have never been wise. What I have told you and the others over the past few years are the things I have never done and regretted as time went on. “

Immunity

It is often said that when a human being is sick or suffers from an illness, it is because the being is weak. However, the ones who are sick during a long period of time develop higher senses of self awareness. They care for themselves more than those who are occasionally sick. Some of them become wiser and appreciate life with more passion.

 

” One of our patients has never been sick in his entire life. After some analysis, the patient proved to be perfectly normal with no apparent signs of invincibility. His immune system was not different from the others, yet he still never caught a single sickness, illness or disease. When asked about the origins of this phenomenon, the patient tells us that he has never been sick because he never allowed bad or evil thoughts within his mind, body and soul. At one instance, he was walking outside while rain was falling heavily on him. ” Why do you stay under the rain? Come in our house before you catch a cold! ” one man said. But the patient laughed and replied ” If you let your mind believe that you need to shelter yourself from the cold, then the cold will make you sick. I can walk under the rain because I enjoy rain and its attributes.”

Believe in absurdity

For many years, my nickname had been Credo Quia Absurdum ( I use it from time to time although not as often ) which means ” I believe it because it is absurd “. From this affirmation, I have been able to expand my mind in different ways. Absurdity has always been a source of inspiration in my life. Reacting and interacting with people in most different, unique ( and thus, sociologically bizarre ) ways leads to most positive results in most cases.

 

I first learned to behave like this at seventeen years old. My mother was driving to the supermarket while I was on the passenger seat. She had to buy bread and milk only, so I stayed in the car, waiting. At some point I realized that many people in the parking lot were looking at someone at the distance. It was a man, a simple, lone man, roller skating and whistling. I soon figured out that he was rollerskating to nowhere, making 8′s on the edge of the parking lot’s surface. He must have been in his 30s although it was difficult to say. He was certainly an adult and his gracious movements weren’t indicating in any way that he was mentally handicaped which led me to believe that he was simply in a state of sheer happiness. He wasn’t even whistling a song – it was merely a series of repeating notes that didn’t seems to hold any importance. This spontaneous act of abnormal simplicity amazed me. Was he in love? Was he free from some burden? Maybe he won some money or something? Or perhaps he didn’t need any reason to be that happy?

 

After questionning the man’s behavior, I soon found out that I was part of those who were watching the whistling man. I subsequently concentrated my thoughts on the bystanders. What were they thinking? Were they thinking the same thing as me? At some point in my analysis I saw in their facial expressions something that was highly similar to disdain and cynism which led me to believe that many of them were actually saying to themselves ” This man is obviously crazy. “. Others were smiling, yet they seemed puzzled. Suddenly, my mother opened the car’s door and drove away, removing me from my thoughts. I looked back towards the whistling man and he had vanished.

As if he had been a vision.

 

” I saw something pretty out of the ordinary. “

” What was it? “

” There was a whistling man and he was roller skating on the parking lot near the road.. He wasn’t heading for a particular direction, just whistling and skating, but at least ten people watched him and I’m asking myself why this simple man was so important that we would all take some time watching him. “

” I guess it’s because this kind of behavior is not normal in our society. “

 

My mother was right. This man, as simple as he might have looked, was doing something that wasn’t, in a way, tolerated. He, however, seemed to be perfectly sane and healthy and wasn’t doing anything shocking or disturbing, yet he caught the attention of many.

 

Through the years I have come to realize that this man inspired me more than any parental figure, friend, teacher, idol or mentor ever did. He changed my life. After some time, I became, in part, that man. Acting in different ways allowed me to meet people, make friends and unravel the personality of others.

Love

Will I ever fall in love? I don’t know.

What I first thought was love, I figured out was not. I felt desire, envy, needs. I felt a need for bodily contact, a need to tell other people things I have never told and a need to hear the same from them. I felt the desire to have certain persons in my constant company, the desire to be always in the same room of certain persons. I felt the envy of stealing one’s love from another. I felt the envy of being the center of attention of particular people. I do not know if this is love or part of it. Sometimes I ask myself if I fail to comprehend love or if I comprehend it too much for my own good.

I am now in a state of disillusion. I never had problems seducing women and I fear that I have started using this power in order to gain personal gratification. Sometimes I seduce women just to feel better about myself. I know that they love me and although I often feel sexual desires towards them and that I even tell them secrets about my life and even though I give them very deep details of my introspections and even though I listen to their stories, understand their needs and even though we sometimes can figure out what the other is thinking without saying anything… I just feel something else is missing.

I analyse people so much, and I cannot do a thing about it. I end up finding problems, imperfections, corruptions within people whether it be external or internal. I know that no one is perfect, and this is what’s been frightening me. I fear that I may never love someone fully in my entire life.

My own conception of love is perhaps not what it should be. I once thought that love would go beyond physical attributes of someone, but it’s a lie. I also once thought that love would make you forget about everything that is wrong, but it’s a lie too. Lies. Lies implemented by our hypocritical society.  This society I have always tried to evade in my own way. I never will win. I fear that one day I will have to fall into the masses like everyone else. I will have to love the way society wants me to love. But I am not weak enough to do so right now and I will fight the preconceptions and, perhaps, through this mess, will I create my own definition of love. I hope to recreate myself fully before it is too late.

The Night’s Sky

The other night, I was stargazing alone. Through the millions of stars I was trying to spot something unusual, as usual, without really thinking about what I was truly expecting to see. I frequently watch the night’s sky before going to bed. I’ve been doing it since childhood.

Sometimes I would watch certain stars and I would have the illusion that they were moving and going up and down. I would watch these stars for a long time before I would realize, by comparing their position to another, that they would not be moving and that my eye had been deceived. Sometimes specific stars produce a different kind of light. Some make a very feeble flickering kind of light while others produce the same light continuously.

When I go to the forest by the lake, I can see even more stars than at the edge of the city. Without the light of the cities and through the open area given by the lake, I sometimes sense that I am about to reach the stars with my very hand and that they are only part of some gigantic canvas that is hanging over the Earth. As I look at the stars, I often lose all my senses of direction and lose my equilibrium. I am compelled to lay down on the grass and this is when the stargazing truly takes its true meaning. When lying down and stargazing, most senses involving gravity suddenly leave your thoughts and it is as if you are floating. There are so many stars, so many to look at. You simply lose yourself, your sight goes from one star to another, and hours can go before you realize that you are still here on this Earth and that it is time for you to go to sleep.

Human beings have now built an extremely large station orbiting over the Earth. This week, the conditions in order to see the International Space Station and space shuttle Discovery were perfect. Many people congregated to the lake and I found myself surrounded by other stargazers. They were all searching for the ISS. Many of them had very large instruments and cameras in order to see the ISS and the shuttle better. One person told me:

” It is said we will see it at approximately 9:46, on West South West, it will come at an angle of 45 degrees. The magnitude is expected to be near -3,5. Only the sun and the moon produce more light than the ISS. “

As he told me this, I was thinking about my poor stars. Nobody would watch them, nobody would be amazed by their dim lights since the ISS would outshine them all. Nobody was here for the stars. Through their telescopes, they would not be able to see the whole sky in its glory as I always did with my naked eyes.

The ISS, as it was expected, came along with the space shuttle. Two very brilliant white lights, flying overhead very quickly in a straight line, went over our heads and disappeared in under 1 minute. Everybody commented on the phenomenon and left. I was alone once again. They never came back because, to them, there was nothing else to see.

But there is.

The window

Our patient had his monthly analysis today. Here is an excerpt on his thoughts about his view on dreams in general.

 

” My eyesight during a dream is very blurry around the corners but very clear at the center. Sometimes I feel like it is clearer than in the waking life. I can sometimes see things from miles and miles away, as if I had the eyes of an eagle. At this distance, I can also teleport myself right to the faraway area I am looking at.

I see in colors. I see things that I sometimes cannot comprehend. I see things that reassure and scare me. I have a lot of difficulty to believe that what I see is the creation of my own mind like most scientists say. I do not have the feeling that I created the places I travel to in my dreams. I have the feeling that I travel from one world to another and that these worlds were created by something else, something greater than us.

Sometimes I can run very fast. I can run so fast that my dream body is changing into something else. My vision becomes more and more blurry. I usually can accomplish extremely high and long jumps when running at such speeds and I sometimes can fly at this point.

I do not know why flying takes such importance in my dreams. It’s as if my dreams were trying to tell me something. As if it would try to show me some sort of difference with the dream life and the waking life that goes beyond flying. There is something attached to the physics of our world that appears to be a deception to me. It’s as if something or someone is keeping us from accomplishing what we accomplish in our dreams and whoever is doing this created these laws of physics as some sort of barrier.

One day I read about a man who lived many centuries ago and was said to fly at will. At some point he went up very high in the sky and he was seen by countless men. Suddenly, he lost his power to fly while he was extremely high and fell to his death. What if this story was true? What if someone, somewhere, did find a way to recreate things experienced in dreams? What would it mean to us? How would it affect our world?

In my dreams I often see my grandmother. She is the one who first introduced me to the powers and endless possibilities that dreams can offer. She helped me to fight my nightmares and fears in dreams. When she died, I had multiple dreams of her. She would ask me ” How are your brother and sisters? “, ” Is everything alright at home? “. When in my dream, I was in a total state of lucidity and I was perfectly aware that she was dead. Yet, I just knew that it was her and that it was not a representation of her that I had created in my mind. Without proof, explanation and even without any thought put into it, I also knew that she used the dreams to visit me and talk to me. I had almost ten dreams like that. We would talk about my living life. She was always the one questioning me, and I didn’t even bother to ask her about where she was and how it was out there. I just knew from her way to act with me that she was at peace – a peace that will never be found here on this living Earth.

In the last dream, she was floating over the ground, but we were, as always, at my house and everything was perfectly identical to my real, waking life house. Our conversation went like this:

- Where am I?

- You’re at home, grandma. It’s me, Rusty.

- Oh yes, now I remember. Rusty, I have to go soon.

- Why?

- I don’t have much power left. I won’t be able to come back anymore.

- It’s okay grandma. I will see you soon.

- Goodbye Rusty.

I woke up crying, knowing that this dream was more real than any others. I had more dreams with my grand mother after that, but she was different. She didn’t talk anymore, but she smiled all the time. I have the undeniable certainty that this is some sort of image of her she left me before leaving. Now, I just know that dreams are some sort of window through some other world. It’s out there for all of us. We can already have a look through the window before the door appears before us. “

Gods and Devils

When I see some things in this world, I can’t but come to the conclusion that there is a God.

When I look at my hand and notice how it has been made, through evolution, to interact with so many objects. When I see how it can so easily create.

When a cat uses its tail in order to fall on its four legs.

When an old dead tree burns in order to let a new, fresh, living tree take its place.

 

However…

 

When I look at my hand and notice how easy it is to clench it and turn it into a weapon. When I see how it can so easily destroy.

When a cat uses its tail in order to fall right on its prey underneath a tree branch.

When the fire consumes all.

 

When I see these things happening everyday, I also believe there is a devil.

 

But he is also part of this Greater Order. Both are here to create an orderly balance.

And we are in the middle. Balancing on both sides according to our own will. We have the choice. They do not.

This is why we are more powerful.

This is why we must also believe in ourselves.

We have this power.

We do.

Multiple thoughts

I want to help. I care for others. I want to teach and to explain what is, what was and what will be. I want to lend a hand whenever, wherever. I want to help my friends when they have a hard time at school or at work. I want to be there when someone is needed. I want to help in order to help myself. I want to feel better by making others feel better. I want to save people. I want people to leave me with a better opinion of me. I am therefore egoistic in my quest. We’re all.

 

I am not a dreamer nor a fool. I know the world is harsh. I can deal with the craziness in this world. I know I have been deceived and that I will be deceived in the future. I know that I am and will be the subject of mockery. I know I still have weaknesses and that I always will be weak in many ways. I know. Yes, I know, and that’s the key to my success. Know your weaknesses. Accept them. Deal with them before they deal with you.

 

I want to be spontaneous and I don’t want my creativity, my happiness, my energy to be kept inside. I do not want to fear what others may think. Today I was walking down the main street of my city with a friend and I chose to make a test. I walked down the street with both of my arms constantly raised in the air. I knew it looked crazy, but I wanted to make an experiment. At first, people seem puzzled. Then they began to smile and finally, they laughed. Such a simple thing. Raising both of your arms in the air is enough to break the limits society built. What’s crazier? Me? Or the kind of life we live?

 

I feel ready for something, but I don’t know what. I still have that feeling that I have yet to accomplish something important in here. I have to get out of this place one day.

 

The night is my friend. When I walk at night, the streets are mine and mine only. The broken glass on the ground becomes diamonds and when I walk on it, an audience is applauding. You don’t get that during the day. The night is my friend. Sometimes I sense that I am more powerful when the sun is down. I remember as a child I used to hide and spy on people in the neighborhood. It was sheltering me.

I am strong

I am strong.

 

I build and destroy and I build again. Unstoppable, I stop the others. I cannot be kept. I am responsible of everything and when I am not, it is because I chose to. I control all. I handle all. I am strong and getting stronger. I can shout louder, I can run faster. I can lift things you wouldn’t dare to lift. I can imagine things that no other mind can imagine. I am unique and I am the best at what I do and I do everything.

 

I am strong. In my veins, in my muscles, in my head, in my heart and in my soul.

 

I.

AM.

STRONG.